The Circus

No matter how hard I try to tell myself that I’m okay, I know that somehow deep inside, I still feel the pain, the sadness and the good thing is I’m really good at hiding those unwanted feelings.

Most people I know will see me every day like I’m doing fine and nothing’s wrong… But deep inside my heart, I know “There Will Always be Those Unexplainable Reasons Why I Have to Wear My Fake Smiling Face Every Single Day…”

I have never been this lonely in my life and no one seems to ever notice and that’s really great because I don’t have to feel guilty and explain myself why I am this way.

My life had been through deep waves of mostly downs and those one-minute lifting ups… No one may ever understand me, because they never tried to, they always tend to judge me before they look at me from a good side. People whom I thought cared for me are sometimes the ones who bring me down and push me hard on the ground… =(

My Life is a Circus, not because it is colorful but because of the happy masks I have to wear everyday.

The Nightmarish Dream

I slept late yesterday at past 3am. I was thinking that I’ll have a dreamless sleep since I was so tired from a very long Sunday and the fact that I have been feeling really sick the past few days (til today) will somehow make me sleep like a log.

I woke up very early at around 10 minutes to 5am since I saw my mobile phone shows the time and I would really wanted to wake up because of the dream I was having… It was a really good dream if I will try to look at it from “Maybe it can still come true” part of my mind. However, since I am now stuck with the harsh reality the dream is really a huge pain in the @$$. The dream was so clear, even his face was clear… I really hated when I dream like that… If I can only make those sort of dreams to never visit me when I sleep. I will…

And so I go back to sleep… Hoping Against hope that I would have a good morning sleep and rest…

I know I was dreaming again, I found myself in a place where I would never in my life want to be staying… The place looks normal but dull and I can feel a sense of danger. Then I saw this other person… He made me feel safe and I smile so many times in my dream… Then one part of my mind told me to wake up… “Because that dream will never be made into reality…”

What a cruel thing to start my week…

I am definitely considering both that dream into My “Nightmarish” category…

I would never want to sleep if I would dream that sort again… *sigh*